We talked about a variety things and alot of our personal struggles.
Towards the end of our conversation, you were brought into my mind.
Now this is isn't anything new. Obviously, I think about you from time to time. More often than I probably should.
We were such a big part of our lives. You defined my high school. When I think of high school, your smile pops into my mind.
I think about when we were babies. Only 15 when we met.
I think about the first time we hung out, how we ran to my park in the pouring rain and stood on our bench, watching the ducks on the lake.
I think about the first time you asked me to hold my hand.
I think about my smile when my phone would ring with your name on the front.
I think about our first kiss on my 16th birthday.
I think about our stupid arguments.
I think about the first time we told each other "I love you."
I think about driving in your old red mustang.
I think about Across the Universe.
I think about breaking up every summer and always getting back together just in time for school.
I think about making you cheese quesadillas and tomato soup.
I think about how much my mom loves you, and still does.
I think about winter. Winter always gives me flashbacks of you.
I think about how when we hugged you would always shake your knees back and forth.
I think about our big breakup and how much I hurt you.
I think about how you gave me a second chance.
I think about our park, and our names engraved in the bench.
I think about running around with Piper in your backyard, and having dinners with your wonderful parents.
I think about our Starbucks "meetings."
I think about standing in front of our lockers, forcing you to recite 1 Corinthians 13:7 with me before we run off to class.
I think about how we named our kids. How long we were going to wait till we got married. How you convinced me to move to Colorado.
I think about the 4th of July.
I think about the last time I saw you.
I think about how you never came to say goodbye, because you couldn't.
I think about us. I think about everything we've been through.
I think about how we never ended. How it was never over.
I just left.
I wonder.
People don't really understand. People ask if I want to get over you. People tell me not to talk to you, or see you, because that would help the process of getting over you.
But why am I getting over you? Why can't I talk to you? Why can't I see you?
They don't understand.
They don't understand us. No one ever did.
It's not like we had this huge breakup. We never like, broke up. We never ended. We we're never "over."
We never fought about anything.
I just left.
You never said goodbye. I haven't seen you.
We've talked. We've skyped.
You miss me. I miss you.
But we never had closure.
I've just realized this. I know what is right for the two of us. What is healthy.
I know that what we had was REAL.
I know that we were in love. Yes, go ahead, say high school relationships aren't "true love." Or that high schoolers don't really know what "love" is.
I will literally disagree with whoever you are until I die.
Because I had it.
We had it. We both know it.
And I haven't had someone like you.
We just get each other.
Point of this. There is a point of this. I think.
Will it ever end? Like, is this the end? No.
All I know is that I am the only one who knows what is right for me about what I should do.
And I will find it out. I just still have a thought of you in the back of my mind. How could I ever love someone as much as I loved you? As much as I love you still?
Yes, I'm excited to see you next month.
Yes, I will protect my heart. But how can I protect it, when you still have a part of it? If not all of it?
And how can I have it back, when I feel like you will always have it?
Do I even want it back? Or do I want you to have it forever?
Do you I want you forever?
"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you."
-The Notebook.
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