You make beautiful things.

The sun came out today.
I love the sun. The sun brought happiness on my life today.
Today was a good day.
A few things to point out on today.
Kaleo. I love Kaleo. Tonight, this Wednesday night chapel was outside.
It was such a different feeling than the normal chapel.
The brisk cold wind, the stars in the night sky, the trees swaying back and forth.
I felt the presence of God.
I felt His arms wrapping around me, comforting me from the cold. More specifically, telling me, it's okay.
Everything is going to be alright. Everything is alright.
Yes, it will still be a struggle at times. Things take a lot of time to let go of. And I have a lot of things I need to let go of.
But it's all going to be okay.
During Kaleo, they played a song called Beautiful Things by Gungor.
The bridge says "You make me new, You are making me new."
Yes Jesus, you are making me new.

Another thing, while I'm sitting here, at 2:03 AM, in the study room in the library, with a few of my friends, studying for a CMIN midterm tomorrow, a verse popped out to me.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4.

Perseverance. Hope. Trust. Joy. Love. Christ.

"You make beautiful things out of dust, You make beautiful things out of us."
I love you, Lord.

Starting Over

Starting Over- Audio Adrenaline

Look at your face, it doesn’t shine the way it used to
Look at your eyes, they don’t sparkle anymore
Look what you’ve done, you’ve ruined it for everyone
Who told you that you had to lose your innocence

(I can begin)
I, I’m starting over
(Again)
I, I’m starting over

Now tell me how, I get back to my childhood
I used to think it was so naive, I was so naive

Look what I’ve done
I’ve ruined it for everyone
I should have held on harder to my innocence

It’s never too late
It’s never too late for starting over

Reclaim your innocence, start over
Reclaim your innocence, reclaim you innocence
Start over, start over

Trust

I trust people too easily.
When I meet someone and feel a connection, I immediately open up to them about my life & my past.
I can't do that.
I don't know them. Who they are. Where they've been.
I can't trust too easily.
My past is a part of me, deep inside. It should be hidden, something that takes awhile to open up, like a turtle hatching from it's shell.
I need to guard that part of me. I'm not proud of it, so why do I act like I am?
When that question comes up, I don't have to explain my answer to them. I don't have to explain why I stopped being the person I was over summer. I don't have to justify it.
All I have to say is one word: No.
It's a yes or no answer. I don't need it to be a story, don't need for them to ask why I stopped engaging in that kind of thing.
That's my life. That's a part of me. A part of my past, that can be hidden. I own it. No one needs to know. That's why it's called the PAST.
Everyone doesn't need to know. I have nothing to prove to them.
My open book is now closing.
My turtle is not hatching out of its shell.
It will take time for it to hatch again. It needs to take time.

Broken

It's official.
I have broken. I am shattered. Reality has finally set in.
I can't live in denial anymore.
I need to meet God half way.
I need to spend time by myself.
I need to spend time with God.
I want God to fix me, but I need to fix myself.
I need to stop being so trusting.
I need to focus on those who truly care, who truly encourage me to the a woman of God, a servant of God, be in love with God.
Sometimes it takes a mistake to make everything real.
This is one of those times.
It set in. I need to allow myself to feel this brokenness.
This is what I need to do.

Times- Tenth Avenue North. This song is my cry.

"I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

Focus

Focus: a point at which rays of light, heat, or other radiation, meet after being reflected.
I know this is not the focus most of you think upon when you think of that word, but if you read this definition carefully, it says something. Focus is something I need to get a handle on in my life. Focus happens after I am reflective over a situation or time. Everything finally comes together, all the pieces of the puzzle, and after thinking upon it, focusing comes to mind.
I need to focus.
I need to focus right now. I need to focus on Christ. Not just on Christ, but Christ alone. I need to WANT it.
Why is it so hard? Why can't it be easy to want the right thing? Why do I always want the wrong thing? The only way this is going to work, this whole issue of focusing my life, is if I want it.
Do I need it? Yes. Do I want it?
I need to want it. Help me want it. The situations I put myself in are just asking for it. I can't stand up under it. I need to stand against it.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." -1 Cor. 10:13

I need to find the way out that he always provides. I need to want the way out. I need to focus on the way out. I get too distracted, too wrapped up in the moment. I need to put all of my focus in Christ. But Christ ALONE. My trust, my hope, my love. I need to stop looking for situations, for people, for distractions.
Lord, give me strength to focus. To focus on the light. To focus on you. And you alone.

Hmmm...

There's just too much to say right now, so I'm just gonna sleep and put it all into words in the morning. Here's life tonight...

Dreams.

I have so many things to say as I sit here blogging at 2:09 AM. First off, I had an amazing Monday, for once. I had a reunion with my best friend slash sister, who I have not seen in over a month. We went to see Jason Derulo at the House of Blues on Sunset Blvd in Hollywood. Like, could life get any better? Besides the fact that I love Jason Derulo and he is amazingly beautiful, and seeing it with Alysha was completely unforgettable, it was in Hollywood. The last time I was actually there was probably when I went to see the Lion King at the Pantages Theater with the fambam. I forgot how beautiful Hollywood is. I loved walking the streets with Alysha feeling so independent. I loved driving down Melrose Avenue, screaming at every single amazing store we passed. I just love LA. I am so attracted to the all of the flashing lights and many cars. I always had a dream to live there. I like to think my dreams can come into a reality. I mean, I've always wanted to be a lawyer. But its not a want. It's more like, I WILL be a lawyer. I don't think people should give up their aspirations and dreams. People can do anything they set their minds too. And what I want to do, in my perfect world, is graduate from this amazing college, Azusa, and then go onto law school at UCLA and live in LA. Yes, it's a dream. But it can become reality. I am an executer, I like to get things done, not sit back and wait for them to happen. No. I will make these things happen.
The Catch: Even though that is MY plan for my life, the big man in the sky might have a different plan for me. He is full of surprises and always works in mysterious ways, especially when it comes to my "plans". Gotta love Him. We'll see what happens. Oh God. Literally.
For now, I'll just focus on passing my midterms. :)

Auburn

That word never meant anything to me before.
But three years ago, my world completely changed. It went from the hustle and bustle of the city, palm trees, street lights, sidewalks, and beaches to cows, countryside, highways, green grass, and actual seasons. I hated it. But, as one says, you never appreciate things until their gone. After being back down here for a few months, there's a piece of me still existing in Auburn. I think what attracts me to that small town is the slower pace of things. It is just plain relaxing. My parents always talked about it, but I didn't understand. I do now, though. It's just...slow. People take more time with things, with each other. You find joy in the simplest things, from the first leaves changing color, to the beginning of ice on our driveways, to the unforgettable heat. Don't get me wrong, I love Southern California, and probably will always live in Orange County. But, I would love to just visit. Just for a few days. Just to get away. While I'm down here, people are always onto the next thing. They always have to be doing something, or going somewhere. I won't lie, I'm like that too. But when I think about my life in Auburn, I remember, because there WAS nothing to do, me and my best friend would find the best nights to be sitting on her couch, laughing, eating, talking. We had the funnest nights sitting in our cars in front of Chevron, just people watching (or stalking...shhh). When we would get bored we would go swing at my park, or walk by the lake. Things were so different, but I like that. Sometimes I wish I could just run away to there, and simply enjoy the tiny little town. It's pretty up there, ya know. I never appreciated it when I was there, and was counting down the days till I moved back "home". But I wish I didn't take it so for granted. Because now, I actually miss it. I never thought I would say those words, but as I sit here thinking about it, with tears in my eyes, I really miss it. Homesick wouldn't be the right word, but I know it's something like it. Auburn is a weird place, and I know some of the reason I feel like its part of me is the people I left there. My best friend Molly, her cousin Heidi, her boyfriend Cole, Goddessi (although some are off forming their own adventures), my Pre-K sunday school kiddies, and many, many more. I know exactly why I spent three wonderful years in that country town, and if I had to do it all over again, I would. On a positive note, all you Auburnites out there, I'll be there before you know it, watch out :) I'm coming to town!

Sunset at my park.

This was an exciting evening. (Buddah???)

My Park <3

Snow 2010!

Heaven?

Big sister Heidi!!!

Summer 2010. Oh Molly.

Photography shoot.

Junior year...dance parties on The Combie Bridge.

Party in the USA.

Favorite Of The Moment

Lyrics to Let it Go- Tenth Avenue North.
I was at the mall in Riverside today, and as I walked in to C28 to say hi to my boss and coworkers, this song was playing. I have heard it before, actually when I was working in the store over the summer. It has a different meaning then it did during August, for a wide variety of reasons, but overall, it can very much be applied to my life at this moment.

I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.

Well it's hard enough to hear
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul.

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

Bliss

Lately, I am thankful for the simple things of life.
The laughter I hear through the doors of my hall, the worship songs that float through the rooms, the smiles from friends when I run into them unexpectedly, the soft cloudy weather, the first ray of sunshine, the flowers, the brisk wind that rushes through my hair. It helps me to be eternally grateful of my life and God's beautiful creation. The feeling of complete bliss is once again in me, and I missed it. So happy to have it back, and it's hear to stay. For good.

On a Happier Note

Everything I write is so depressing lately. So on a happier note...
I realize how grateful I am for my life. As I was laying with four of my closest friends on my hall last night, laughing till we were dead, I notice how almost perfect my life is. Complete bliss. The feeling of content, where everything, even things that may not be going my way, is okay. It's accepting. Yes, of course, the roller coaster is still evident, the ups and downs of homework and other stresses. But we all manage. I get through it. You get through it. I don't like dwelling on the things that aren't going my way. My way isn't the best way. God's way is. There is a time for everything, a season for everything. (It's true, read Ecclesiastes). Moral of the story, I'm content with life. I don't need anything, or want anything more than I have. Bliss.

I think I realize why my third strength is Positivity.... :)
Whatever, you all love it.